Outside Talker
Gather round, gather round, don’t be shy, don’t be sly, there’s a place at the front for the tall and the small: for you, sir, with your hat in your hand like a prayer, for you, ma’am, with a child on your hip like an alibi, for you, corporal, whose collar has gone loose at the neck, and you, son, at the back, with a hand on your wallet as though it were a bird that might yet get away.
Closer. Nobody bites. This is a family tent. We don’t do the geek, the fellow who bites the heads off. The head was off already. That’s on the house, and so’s the word that I’m putting in your ear, and the word, my friends, is alive.
Never mind the banner. The banner is paint. The painter did it in a day, at so much a banner, and gave the thing wings like a bat and a halo of rays. What’s inside is smaller. Every tent on this midway will lie to you gladly: the Mermaid’s a monkey sewn onto a mackerel, the Wild Man’s a man from Ohio who works for a bottle, the Lady Who Floats is a lady on wires. Ours is the one tent in the county that doesn’t, which is why you won’t believe a word that I say. Real is the word that I’d use if I were lying.
So I won’t say it. I’ll tell you what it eats. It eats with an eyedropper. Milk, and then water, and a kernel of corn put down like a coin in a very small slot. It has put on five pounds since the axe. The doctors say thrives. Gentlemen from the university looked, and wrote it down, and went away quiet, and I’ll sell you that quiet for twenty-five cents.
Now I’ll tell you, and you will laugh, and I’ll let you laugh, laughing is free: it’s a chicken. A common, a barnyard, a Wyandotte rooster, five and a half months old at the time, and a Monday, and a stump, and a supper, and it hasn’t got a head.
You’ve all heard the saying. Well, I’ve got the saying. I’ve got it in a tent, and it isn’t running about. It was supposed to be dead. It declined. And instead it preens. It paces its perch. It attempts to crow, and what comes out is a noise like a drain clearing its throat. I have heard it. We wake every morning expecting a dead chicken and there he is, ma’am, healthy as you, and a good deal healthier than the sir with the hat.
I did it. I should say that. You’ve been decent. I took him out back to the stump on a Monday. I’ve done it a thousand times. I know where the axe goes. My wife’s mother likes the neck. I cut an inch high. He went about his business. In the morning he was asleep with his neck under his wing.
There are those who say he doesn’t even know. Perhaps he doesn’t know his head is off. It’s a lesson, folks. I give the lesson free, with the price of admission.
Ten thousand dollars! That’s what they’ve put on him, the only chicken in America with a price on his head. Name me the man who made a chicken worth that and I’ll show you the axe.
A dollar, at the table. That’s what he was. I’ve done the arithmetic on the axe and I won’t tell you what it comes to. I thank God for the inch. Daily. I never said that out loud till today, and I’ve said it to you, and you’ll tell nobody, because you’re the sort that doesn’t, I can see it, I can always see it, it’s the first thing I learned.
Days, I do the dropper. I watch the dropper. Nights my wife gets up. He’s in a crate at the foot of the bed. She clears his throat with the little syringe. I hold the lamp. That’s the arrangement. I hold the lamp and I look at her hands. I haven’t looked at him straight since the stump.
Hurry, hurry, hurry! Don’t miss a moment of it! Follow your neighbors, they know where they’re going! Twenty-five cents, the fourth part of a dollar, the price of a look, and if you’ve a weak heart, or a nervous condition, or anyone you’ve ever had to put down, step back now. Step back. No? Then inside. Inside. Inside. Inside.
And they go. They always go, they go in loud with their hats on, and the flap comes down, and now there’s the part that I’m paid for.
They laugh ten seconds. Then forty people, give or take, and not a sound. I stand out here with my back to the canvas and listen to that.
Thursday a man took his hat off in there. I heard it. You can hear a hat come off: the felt on the sleeve, the small noise of a man deciding. For a chicken. I thought, there’s one who knows what this is.
Next show in twenty minutes. Gather round, gather round.
— Hat